Say It Ain't So, I Will Not Go
by stars28
Summary: As an aftereffect of Kili's time with the orcs, he has nightmares. Fili finds out and comforts him. (hurt!Kili and awesome bro!Fili)


**Say It Ain't So, I Will Not Go.**  
><em>(Title credit: All The Small Things - blink-182)<em>

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><p><em>They were surrounding him, poking and prodding at his body with their grubby fingers.<em>

_"Not a dwarf, too little beard." One of the orcs said._

_"All skin and bone." Another one said, poking particularly hard with a stumpy digit._

_Kili wriggled in a feeble attempt to escape his bonds, but all that happened was that the orcs started to punch his already beaten body. He groaned as more bruises were formed on his chest and stomach._

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><p>"Kili, how are you today?" Thorin asked from his place at the head of the dining room table.<p>

Kili mustered up a smile for his family, hoping that they wouldn't see through it. He couldn't tell them that he hadn't slept much last night, and that when he had, he'd have nightmares about that time. He couldn't disappoint them, not when it had been just over a year (and he hated that he knew that).

"Fine Uncle," He said, taking his place next to his brother, "What are we doing today?"

As Thorin replied, Kili zoned out, his nightmare haunting his thoughts. They were still happening as often as when he'd just got back from the torture. He didn't understand why they were still hurting him, maybe it was because he was a flawed dwarf? After all, he didn't have a proper beard, he liked archery and he preferred the outside to being in a mountain. He knew and accepted (for the most part) his flaws, but that had been before that fateful hunting trip.

Why had he insisted that he had been old enough to go by himself?

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><p><em>"Please Uncle, you know we need food, and that I'm the best archer in the family." He pleaded.<em>

_"More like the _only_ archer in this family." Fili muttered._

_"Shut up! You're just as hungry as I am!" Kili snapped, though he knew the only reason that his brother was being like that was because he was hungry. They all were._

_Fili looked ashamed of what he'd said, and Kili felt a little guilty for snapping at him._

_"I guess it is true..." Uncle said with a resigned sigh, looking at Kili cautiously, "You can go, but only for two days."_

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><p>"Fili, what are you doing today?" Kili asked, trying to keep up with his brother as they walked through the crowds.<p>

"I don't know, you'll have to ask Dwalin." Fili replied. Fili laughed. He was terrible at remembering his time-table and had recently given up trying.

Soon they were at the training ring, and Kili automatically went to the side to watch.

"Kili! Come over here!" Dwalin yelled from where he was training Fili.

He got up and walked towards Dwalin, wondering what he wanted.

When Kili got there, Dwalin told Fili to have a break and then turned to Kili with a smile on his face.

"Kili," Dwalin said, "You up for sparring with me?"

He nodded, aware that Fili was staring at him worriedly. He smiled at his brother, reassuring him that he was fine. Even though Kili's stomach was doing somersaults, he grasped the sword in his right hand, testing the weight.

The last time that he'd held a sword was before the orcs had captured him.

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><p><em>Kili was in the forest surrounding Ered Luin, moving quietly and listening for game. He'd been here for about three days, and already he had two game birds slung over his pack. His mother would be happy enough with just them, but Kili - driven by his pride in his archery skills - wanted to take back a larger animal. Maybe a deer. He could carry that back after he'd cut it into pieces.<em>

_He was so far into his own thoughts, Kili never heard the orcs coming. They caught him and he tried to stab them with his sword, but they wrestled it out of his hands and they snapped his bow off his back. He cringed when the orcs did that, struggling to get away from their blunt fingers._

_"NO!" He yelled out as they dragged him away._

_One of the orcs smacked Kili over the head and he blacked out, the world going dark as his eyes shut._

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><p>"KILI!"<p>

He jerked and looked at the voice. It was Fili, and his golden hair was surrounded by blue.

"Why are you surrounded by blue?" Kili mumbled, attempting to sit up. He was pushed down again by Fili.

"Don't get up yet Kili," His brother said, "You blacked out on us."

"Oh." That explained why his head felt like a pony had ran over it.

Dwalin was hovering nearby, just within Kili's vision.

"Dwalin, you can come closer, you know," Kili said, wincing at the effort it took to move his eyes sideways, "I won't bite. Much."

Dwalin laughed loudly, "I know that Kili."

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><p><em>A kick to the side tugged Kili awake. His eyes flicked around the small, damp cave.<em>

_"Wake up dwarf!" One of the orcs snarled, aiming another kick to Kili's stomach._

_He flinched away before the kick could hit him. He already felt like a few dozen new bruises were already on his body. There probably were._

_"Please...don't." He mumbled._

_"What was that?" The orc mocked, leaning down to Kili's level, "Did you say something?"_

_"Please...don't hurt me anymore..." Kili said, his voice wavering._

_"Ah, so you hear that? The dwarf is begging…" The orc spat in his face, "How are you today, dwarf?"_

_He shook his head, he didn't want to answer. His head rubbed on the rough cave floor._

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><p>Kili woke up to tears streaming down his cheek. He sat up and scrubbed them away. He had thought that having a nap would be a good idea, but apparently it hadn't been, seeing as the nightmares took hold.<p>

Why couldn't he have normal dreams, like every other dwarf? Why did _he_ have to be the one who got kidnapped by orcs? It was his own fault, having been driven by his pride.

Fili's head popped around the edge of Kili's door frame.

"Hey Kili," His brother said, grinning, "Ma's got tea ready."

He willed up a smile for Fili. He didn't know about the nightmares that his unconscious mind came up with. Though, of course, they weren't just nightmares, they had actually memories. Kili hated his brain sometimes.

"Good," Kili replied, getting off his bed and walking over to Fili, "Because I'm hungry."

Kili was on his own, walking in the fields and admiring the view across the valley. It had been three days since he'd had a nightmare, which was good, but he knew from experience that no nightmares meant that there was a terrible one waiting to crop up in his unconscious state.

He'd only managed to get out of doing chores by a pure stroke of luck. His mother, halfway through making a cake for someone's birthday (Kili couldn't remember who), had realised that she had no flour, so she had rushed out of the door to buy some, throwing a quick, _"Do your chores and then you're free Kili!"_, over her shoulder as she did so. Naturally, he'd done the chores and fled to the outside.

It felt like he hadn't been outside in years, when in fact it had only been two days. While Fili and his Uncle were busy with trade with other towns, he'd been doing chores that his mother didn't time to do. Kili thought it was because he was the youngest. Though, in truth, he didn't mind helping his mother. It was relaxing, although he longed to be outside.

Kili wasn't unprepared; he had his knife that Uncle Thorin had forged for him. He and Fili had both got one on their respective birthdays about two years ago. It had helped him to escape the orcs.

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><p><em>He'd gotten free somehow, so he scrambled up against the cave wall, feeling the cold stone against his bare back (the orcs had ripped his shirt off for it impeded access to his flesh), unable to see further than two feet in front of him in the darkness. Kili felt for the knife he knew should be in his trousers. There it was! He wasn't completely unarmed!<em>

_Cautiously, Kili felt along the wall, keeping focused. Not staying focused was, after all, what got him into this situation. Slowly and silently, he stepped towards the exit, where light was streaming in, always keeping his left hand on the wall, his other gripping his knife._

_The light diminished for a second as an orc passed by and Kili froze, one foot in mid-air. He didn't dare to put in down on the floor for fear it would alert the orc. He let a breath out silently as he started to move towards the exit again. He was so close; he could feel the wind blowing down the cave. It was a welcome relief from the stale air he'd been breathing who knew how long. He'd lost track of time when he was being beaten up; time had only consisted of when he was being hurt and when he wasn't._

_He sneaked out of the cave exit, feeling the sun on his face. Kili was tempted to put his face up to the sun and try to forget about his situation._

_"Hey!" An orc yelled._

_Kili turned and slashed his knife near the orc's neck. Dark blood gushed out and down the orc's body without a sound. As he wiped the blade off, Kili darted into the forest as quickly as his injuries would allow._

_He was going home._

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><p>He groaned as Fili woke him up, shaking his shoulder.<p>

"G'way." He mumbled, pressing his face into the pillow.

"Ma's got breakfast waiting for you," Fili said, not letting up on the shaking, "And we can't eat until you come down."

As Kili got up, he noticed that he felt half-asleep, which was probably a side-effect of waking up every two hours for an hour, just trying to calm himself down so he could go back to sleep. He looked into the mirror and put his hands up to the dark bags around his eyes, a sure sign that he wasn't getting enough sleep. It had been a day since he'd had a full night's sleep, and even after that he'd felt tired to his bones.

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><p>Fili was concerned. Unlike his mother and Uncle, he was normally with his brother all day unless he had business with Uncle, and he'd noticed some worrying changes since he was kidnapped by those orcs. Granted, he and his Uncle had led a party to kill any orcs living in the woods around Ered Luin, but that hadn't made his instincts quieten down. As his instincts were usually spot-on, Fili decided to listen to them.<p>

One of the things Fili had noticed was the dark bags around Kili's dull eyes. He didn't have to be Oin to figure out that his little brother was having trouble sleeping, probably due to nightmares. Also, he'd noticed that Kili had much less control over his actions, for example, he'd followed Kili to the woods to his training area (Fili knew that Kili had made it when he was younger, so he could look past the simple targets on the trees and see the charm), and witnessed several arrows going wide off the various targets. Fili figured that was down to the lack of sleep as well.

"Hey Kili," He said, smiling as his brother looked up at him, "How are you?"

"I'm... good."

Fili had the feeling that Kili was lying to make him happy. Well, it wouldn't do.

"Liar, you've had trouble sleeping since you got back."

Kili gulped, "Not, not true."

"Please stop lying to me Kili, I'm trying to help," Fili said, sliding an arm around Kili's shoulders and pulling him into a hug, "If you don't tell me, I'll tell Ma and Uncle. I don't want to but..."

To Fili's astonishment, tears started to fall down Kili's face as he started babbling unintelligibly. Automatically, he started to rub circles on Kili's back, humming a lullaby that their mother always used to use when they had nightmares when they were younger. Gradually, Kili started to calm down enough to say things that Fili could understand.

"-ightmares, every night. Never 'nough 'leep."

"You have nightmares every night?" Fili clarified, wanting to understand his brother's problem completely so he could help, "Why didn't you tell me?"

Kili's voice was muffled from his face being pressed firmly into Fili's shoulder, "Didn't want to disappoint you."

"Kili," Fili said seriously, using two fingers to lift Kili's chin up so he was looking him directly in the eye, "You were tortured by orcs," He hissed the word, "No one would be disappointed by you having nightmares. We wouldn't be disappointed, we're your family, we stick together no matter what."

Sniffing slightly, Kili wiped his eyes and answered, "I know, but it was too..."

"Embarrassing?"

His brother nodded. Aand then yawned.

"You can go to sleep now if you like Kili." Fili gently untangled Kili's dark hair, turning it into more of a head massage. He smiled as he saw Kili's eyelids drooping.

"Mmm... Might do 'hat..." Kili slurred.

Fili continued rubbing small circles on Kili's scalp as he felt his brother's breathing slow. He smiled; he'd got Kili to go to sleep. Hopefully he would sleep for a long while. Mahal knows he needed it.

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><p>Dis entered the quiet house. That was strange, with Fili and Kili in it, it was normally full of noise. She went down the hallway to the kitchen. No one was there, which was odd because usually either Kili or Fili could be found gobbling food like it was living and liable to run away from them. She chuckled at that mental image before going to the living room. Maybe they were in there.<p>

When Dis got there, she found her eldest looking at Kili with a fond smile on his face. Kili appeared to be in a deep sleep on Fili.

"Fili?" She said quietly, curious as to why her youngest was asleep on Fili in the afternoon.

Fili looked up at her, the smile disappearing from his face and said, "He's tired. He's been having nightmares that are preventing him from sleeping for a whole night. Ever since last year. You know what I'm talking about."

"Oh Kili..." She sighed, regretting that she hadn't realised before, "How have we never noticed?"

Fili coughed, "I don't want to seem smug or anything, but I did notice. Well, before you and Uncle."

"When? How?"

"Just now... I had to threaten to tell you and Uncle before he broke down and told me though." Her eldest son answered.

"Well, if this is the most sleep he's got in while, I'll leave you be. Tea will be ready in a bit, if Kili's woken up by then."

"If he hasn't, just bring me something that I can eat without waking him up."

"Ok."

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><p>After tea (Fili just had a sandwich while his Ma and Uncle had tea sat at the table; he tried not to get any crumbs on his brother who was still fast asleep), his Uncle made an appearance in the living room.<p>

"Hey Fili," Thorin said, his deep voice low so he didn't wake Kili, "Your mother told me why he's been asleep and how you noticed. And I'm ashamed that I didn't notice earlier. I should've."

"Uncle, this is not your fault, don't start blaming yourself," His Uncle looked a little shocked at this, so Fili continued, "I can see it on your face. It's exactly like the one that was on your face when Kili stumbled into through the door after being kidnapped."

"Huh. You're more observant than me," Thorin said, "And I regret that I'm not, otherwise I would've noticed."

"Stop it Uncle!" Fili said forcefully, but quietly, he didn't want to wake his brother, "Just stop it!"

Uncle looked surprised for the second time in their conversation, but didn't respond as Kili moved in his sleep.

"I'll leave you be Fili," Thorin said, standing to leave the room, "Let us know if you want anything."

He nodded, "Thank you Uncle."

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><p>"Mmmph..." Kili mumbled, not opening his eyes as he pressed his face into his pillow. The pillow was warm... and moving? Why was it moving?<p>

He blinked, sitting up. He was in the living room. He couldn't remember falling asleep. And such a good sleep it had been as well. He looked around the room, it was dark and there was something underneath him.

Kili blinked, focusing, "Fili?"

"Mmhm? Oh hey Kili," His brother said, "You had a good sleep?"

He assessed himself, he wasn't as tired as he usually was after sleeping, and he didn't feel like he'd had several nightmares over the course of the night. It had been the best night of sleep he'd had since the kidnapping.

"It's weird, because I feel like I have." Kili answered, smiling.

Fili looked proud, "That's good."

Kili was pleased, after one good night's sleep he felt rested and the tiredness in his bones was lessened somewhat. He knew it would take more than one good night of sleep to get rid of it, but even so, it encouraged him.

"Thank you Fili." He said, honestly.

His brother shrugged, "Anytime Kili, anytime."

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><p><em><strong>AN: I'm sorry I hurt Kili, but Fili is an awesome brother, don't you think? Drop me a review if you feel like it. :)**_


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